This year has the dubious distinction of being One Marked By Tragedy. Not that every year isn’t, but this one, for yours truly, has aimed its arrows of heartache with ever-increasing accuracy towards the bullseye in my soul.
And then there’s sweet Kate and her precious little one, mentioned below. My heart shudders at the impact and proximity of the wounded falling all around me.
I find I am not the prayer warrior that I so desperately want to be, and feel I NEED to be. I become in all ways exhausted in short order praying what I consider to be “effectual, fervent” prayers. How does one truly “lay it down” and yet “keep knocking”? I broke down tonight and just cried…and cried…and cried. This old world just offers far too much horror for my heart to bear.
I do not wonder why it is so; I believe in the fall of humanity, I believe in original sin and I know the wages of it. I do not rail against heaven as I might have 20 years ago. I have moved beyond that, you might say. I instead wonder….why any of it? Why, Lord? What did you create any of this for? Yes, Your glory is the pat answer, but it does not satisfy. Your glory? Weren’t You sure of it before You spun the planets into being?
Some will coo and say You were lonely. Yeah. Right. I don’t believe in ascribing our shortcomings to the omnipotent, infinite Creator of Worlds. Lonely–with Yourself, Jesus, and the Holy Ghost to keep You company. I don’t think You need us to fill some idle restlessness within.
I’ve heard it said that Your vast creativity could not be contained, and thus You created. This I see with my own eyes, every day, all around me. Evidence of Your creativity. So okay. Are we then entertainment? A vast drama that You began that must now play itself out according to Your plot lines? As a (sort of) (wannabe) writer, I know that I “care” about the characters I create, so this resonates with me. Perhaps that’s what it is, only on a far greater and non-fictional level.
If so, I’d like very much to do what I do with all the other novels I read. Skip to the end. The happy ending. Right now.