Everything That Happened

Hi.

Let me just start by saying that no, it wasn’t just you, my blog really and truly did disappear.

I took the blog away (or rather, My Beloved took it away, since I couldn’t find the right buttons) shortly after my last post, for the simple reason that I didn’t want to be tempted to say things that would be less than edifying for others, injurious to my own testimony, or Just Plain Ugly.

I was in the throes of the worst week of my life, for reasons varied and complex. I had started spotting. The sonogram showed no growth, and no heartbeat. It was to be a repeat of the last four pregnancies after all.

I wrestled with God. I punched, kicked, hit, screamed, cried, called Him names, and basically threw the biggest temper tantrum you can imagine. And then I walked away. I told Him we were through.

I don’t expect everyone to understand. I don’t entirely understand it myself. Why should a ninth miscarriage send me over the edge when the eighth had me clinging to Him in trust? I don’t know. It just did.

I hated the expectation that I would be all right. The way people would say you have such a strong faith. I know you’ll come through this all right. Oh how angry I was at that. I didn’t want to be all right with this. This was not all right with me.

But here’s the thing. He never gave up on me, though I had given up on Him. He continued to woo me through the whole week. I could hear His voice. I plugged my ears and sat in the corner, rocking and banging my head on the wall, but I could still hear Him. He said

 ILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOU…etc.

I didn’t want to hear it. I didn’t believe it. He was supposed to know how much I could take, yet He obviously didn’t.

still.

Who can resist Him?

On the seventh day I woke up in the early dawn of the morning. The breeze through my bedroom window was intensely sweet with springtime.

It seems crueller somehow, to miscarry in the spring when all the world is bursting into life.

The trees were rustling their branches. The birds were tweetering busily. I had seen them lose their babies over and over to storms and crows and squirrels and yet there they were, at it again, building their nests and planning for the future.

Stupid birds. I didn’t want to be that stupid anymore.

But then I thought of all the people I knew who had lost babies and children at all stages of their lives and yet clung to the Hope that He offers. People in WWII who had lost all their sons to the conflict and yet proclaimed His goodness. People who held onto their joy, who were still letting Him use them. I didn’t call them stupid. I called them inspirational.

I decided I was tired of being shaken by trauma and tragedy. I wanted to get to the place where hard times didn’t make me question and doubt. God’s own word tells me to expect tribulation. Yet I never do. I want that to change. I want to say with the apostles that these are light and momentary troubles when compared to the glory that is in Jesus Christ.

I didn’t understand. I don’t understand.  There is a lot I don’t understand. My eyes do not see far enough, and my heart does not have the capacity to fathom what His love is doing behind the scenes that play out on this terrestrial plane.

But I can still trust Him.

Who can resist Him?

Not me.

I will proclaim His mercy as long as I live. He truly holds us in the palm of His hand…gripping us so tightly that we leave an imprint there. When we are His, we cannot leave, this I firmly believe. We can lose our testimony and our ministry. We can walk through life in defeat and cynicism, but we are His. He has laid claim to us.

He is faithful when we are faithless, for He cannot deny Himself.

All this shifted into my heart with a soft plunk that morning.

And then I went to the OB for my follow-up.

Off to the OB for my weekly dose of humility and despair I said as I left.

How are you feeling? He asked me, like a moron.

Terrible. I said. I feel horrible.  (I have bile reflux and let me just tell you, mine was not a happy stomach that week)

He gave me a strange look.

Your hormone levels were high. He said. Any more bleeding?

Not yet.

I was contemplating a D & C for the first time, ever. I firmly believe in letting the body do its thing; I know it’s best hormonally and physically, but I had some plans coming up that could have been seriously derailed by my body deciding that that weekend was the best time to eject the remains of my baby.  Plans that had been in the works for six months at least. It didn’t seem fair to the children counting on me for these plans to hope for better timing.

Let’s take one more look. He suggested. Sometimes…

NO. I cut my brain off before it listened to anymore. I was not getting one of those “sometimes”. Not even going to go there.

Room dark, gooey belly, wand placed, and boom. A baby. With a beating heart. Waving at me.

Oh. my OB said dumbly. We’re all right after all.

But I was not all right. Far from it. I was bawling. What a week! I said.

I…I’m so sorry…he stammered. 

I contemplated kicking him in the gonads. But only for a minute.

The baby’s growth was perfectly on target, yet again. I went home with a print out that looks like a foggy peanut and no small bit of awe  in my heart.

I don’t know what happened. I don’t know if she was hiding, or if the Lord simply started her heart again. It doesn’t matter. What matters is what I learned.

He is full of surprises.

He is able to do exceedingly, abundantly, above all that we could ever ask or think.

And sometimes He does.

And when He doesn’t, He is still good. He is still God. And He is always, and forever, mine.

69 thoughts on “Everything That Happened”

  1. You’ve got me bawling!!! I’m so happy for you! Who ever doesn’t believe in miracles IS stupid!

    Praise GOD!
    Kari B

  2. So glad you rejoined us… and love, love, LOVE that post. Even though I knew all that already, I STILL wept. Absolutely, positively awesome is our God.

    Oh, and YAAAAA HOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

    BTW, watching SH tonight… my hubby was concerned I was the one who had written such descriptive names on the DVD cover… it was hilarious! 😉

  3. Waterworks: on. Tissue: missing. Nose: running. Heart: thumping.

    ILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOU….He says so quietly….He shows so grandly….

  4. Hey gal…I was intensely worried and heavy with the weight of the whole thing and despising the thought of the necklace I made you….

    was so thankful, so joyful with your wonderful, unexpected good news…

    He kept prompting me through the week…I thought I was grieving too…well, I was…

    heart you always, He is your courage…
    blessings,
    Sarah

  5. I came by from Kari’s site and just want to say congratulations and Praise God!!
    I am in the eight month of a difficult pregnancy myself and relying on God is the only thing keeping me from losing it. God Bless!

  6. What happened was a miracle.
    That miracle is the growth you had that horrible week. Children are not ours – they are God’s. He holds them as he holds us – from the moment of conception until we are united with Him.
    On earth there is no finish-line to worry and fear for our kids. But God is there, He is in control – loving us – and them- all the way.
    I am so very, very happy that you can appriciate your growth from this horrible lesson. And so glad your little one’s heart beats on.
    And so glad your blog is back!

  7. Praise God!
    You made me cry – I can’t even begin to understand what you went through. God be with you through the rest of your pregnancy!! So so thankful with you about your child!!!

  8. Oh man – I am so happy to read this. I have prayed for you and thought of you… a complete stranger to me yet not so for some reason. God is good – ALL THE TIME!

    Love,
    Glenda

  9. Jenni, so glad you’re back. I felt scared and worried for you when your blog went missing. I’m going through a crisis of faith myself at this point in my life and your post really speaks to me.

    So, so, so glad about your baby

  10. Wow. I don’t know what to say. I’m so glad you were back. I was worried when you disappeared. Beautiful post.

  11. WOW! Amen! WOW! (Our pastor once said ‘if you can’t say amen, say wow.’ I gotta say it again…Amen-Wow-Amen-Wow!

    God bless you & your belly-bunny.

  12. So happy for you, and glad you are back. Hoping that things settle down for you on the health front.

  13. Wow! What an awesome, awe-inspiring God we serve. I’m stunned but SO happy for you. Wow again. Hallelujah!

    When times are tough and I start to worry about things, I call to mind the verse about not worrying because look how He takes care of the birds. The song about how His eye is on the sparrow usually comes to mind at the same time. Now I can add the image of the bird singing as it goes about rebuilding a nest that was destroyed through one means or another. Thanks for sharing that.

    “Our God is an awesome God; He reigns in heaven above. With wisdom, power, and love, our God is an awesome God.”

  14. Oh, wow! Just that. Wow!
    And thanking God for what you are learning and for life.
    Glad you’re back; thank you for sharing.

  15. Even though I already knew how this post was going to end, I STILL wound up doing the happy-but-ugly-cry.

    So, so, SO happy for you, sweet Jenni. And yes, God is good, no matter what we think sometimes.

  16. Wow that is so powerful. I second-guessed my d&e from the day I had it done, and I haven’t stopped; what if my story could have been yours? I was mad at God, not because I couldn’t handle it, but because He asked me to. I didn’t WANT to. Knowing we’ll all be alright in the end doesn’t make the now much easier.

    I am so so so happy for you, Praise God! I hope the rest of your pregnancy goes by smoothly and quickly and uneventfully!

  17. i’ve been thinking about you and praying for you since that last post. and my heart was beating wildly and nearly stopped reading this one.

    God is great in all things!

    big hugs!

    (and i know that sounds so strange coming from someone across the country simply reading your blog, but it’s true 🙂 )

  18. It is my belief (and was always my prayer)that He would start that little heart beating again. An absolute miracle. After your phone call, your Dad and I just fell into each other’s arms and wept. Our 18th grandbaby, resurrected! And at Easter! How perfect is that????

  19. I was let in on the secret by Sarah, but am nevertheless THRILLED to pieces by this. Losing a life, no matter who or when, always stinks. I didn’t cling to God when we lost ours. You know that. The road back was long, but oh, so worth it.

    ILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOU

    the voice echoes loudly through the skies and quietly in our souls.

  20. Chills. God is mighty and merciful. Who are we to question his ways? What a blessing. I continue to pray for you and this little life. A miracle indeed!!

  21. I have no words to describe my feelings as I read your heart-pourings. All of my fears with this pregnancy are wrapped up in your first few paragraphs. Will the baby be okay? Is God okay with the fact that I’m not jumping for joy, but rather staring in shock that I’m pregnant? Will He let me keep this blessing, even though I don’t yet appreciate it?

    God bless you and your wee little life. God bless us all.

  22. In tears. Have missed you. More tears. I get it. I am faithless. He is not.

    *sigh*

    My favorite part:

    ILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOU…

    This has nothing to do with you…but God spoke to me through you today. I’m having a terrible time with something intensely personal and yet I forget the above. He loves me. Thank you for that. I guess I cannot resist either.

  23. I, too, am in tears. I missed you. I am so happy for you. I will keep you and your little heart beating in my prayers.
    Linda

  24. I’d been praying for you the whole while. Praise God! Thank you for sharing this with us- now I need to go find some tissues.

  25. Wow….Wow…..WoW…..Feel blessed and loved dear one. I will continue to pray and am very thrilled to hear the news. Wow! love, sue

  26. I’m so excited about the miracle God has done in your life! Wow!

    Your honesty truly is refreshing and encouraging. Thank you.

    Thank you also for bringing your blog back. I’ve checked just about every day to see if it was still down, so I was pleasantly surprised to see a new post today.

  27. Thank you for sharing your miracle with us. I checked almost daily when your blog was gone. Thank you for coming back to share with us. Praising God with you!

  28. I’ve missed you these last weeks. You probably don’t remember me, but I sure remember you from our January 2004 Expecting Club. I’m so glad I followed you around and have had your blog to read.
    Your witness to God being real and true was one of the voices God used to call me back to him. I’d given up on him for sixteen years and gone my own way. But he was faithful. He came running to me when I was still a long way off…
    He is good! He is conforming us to the image of Christ through all means necessary. It’s so good to hear his love through your words.
    Blessings to you and the littlest one. You’ll be in my prayers.

  29. Oh my goodness! I’m so glad your baby is okay!!!! I am so glad your blog is back, too! I missed you! Praying for your family!

  30. I AM SO HAPPY FOR YOU!!!! And so glad to see you back! I can’t find anything coherent to say, but if you were in front of me, I would give you a great big hug and a look of understanding… because I get it. I do. I know what you’re saying, and it is harder than anything, and yet the truest of all. God is good, in all times and all seasons. May He bless you and keep you.
    Welcome back!

  31. God’s grace is sufficient! So happy you are back – we all believed in you! (And I’ve been checking for weeks? now hoping/knowing you’d be back!) <3 your self-proclaimed Sherlock buddy

  32. This is the most amazing blog entry I’ve *ever* read! WOW! And congratulations again. I can’t wait to hear the next chapter of this story…

  33. Jenni,
    Almost every day I hear or read something that just thrills my heart. Your news makes up for all the days that I have not. So happy for you and your family and I am one reader who is excited to have you back, writing for us.

  34. I’m so happy for you. I missed the post before (the let’s forget I said that post)and all of the sudden you were gone. I didn’t even fathom that it might be related to your newest pregnancy… God is so good. Thank you for letting Him use you one more time to let me know that.

  35. I stopped by yesterday and read this post. And most of the comments. And didn’t know what to say. I’m happy for you, really, truly. And so sad and jealous for myself.. My heart still hurts so much, I feel like it’s easy to believe in God when you get your miracle. And yet, that’s not true either..

    I KNOW also that God IS good and God IS faithful and He loves me also. Thank you for sharing your story, and your testimony and your faith. In spite of what it might sound like right now, I love you very much and am grateful for this window into your life!

    Kathryn, I had hoped that my story would not give the impression that belief can come only after the miracle is given. In fact, *your* testimony and your faith in the midst of horrific pain came to my mind often after I received the news that my baby had died. I thank you for always being real. I connot convey how grateful I was to God that He drew me back to Himself BEFORE I received the news that all was well. It would have been a convenience that would have troubled greatly had my faith only risen with the good news, instead of in spite of the bad. Still, it took me so much longer, and was so much harder, than I wanted it to be. I am grossly humbled to know just how weak my faith is. I have 8 babies that He is holding for me, safe from any harm this world can dish out, and I know how joyful those reunions will be one day. But the wait seems cruelly long sometimes. (((((HUGS)))))

  36. Jenni, I don’t think your post did give that impression. I am in the midst of still struggling with my own demons…. With choosing to believe even when I don’t feel belief.. I know what a huge amount of strength it takes to admit your faith was weak.. (Strength that comes form God of course)..

    Here’s my BIGGEST issues in a nutshell (which will help explain my reaction, I hope, not that I think EXPLANATION is necessary, friendly discourse IS!): I have also had two miscarraiges and issues with postpartum depression. I KNOW without a shadow of a doubt, that God used those experiences (My first miscarriage is pretty much the turning point in my testimony) and that God lifted me from PPD (when Kayleigh was 4 months old, literally, instantly cured me). I KNOW that if God chose He could heal my broken heart, just as He could have healed Seth’s. I know that I’m supposed to be growing with this aching hole in my heart and I just. struggle. Every. Day. And I want it to be easier.

    But like I tell my kids: There is very little in this life that is worthwhile AND easy. ::sigh::

    AND God IS Good, He DOES love me, He IS enough. I can choose to believe that even when I dont’ feel it. But I wonder for how long….

    I want it to be easy, too. (((((HUGS))))) I also wanted to say that, while miscarriage carries its own, unique form of grief, I would never pretend that it compares with the pain of losing an older child…I firmly believe all my babies were complete souls when they left, but holding/kissing/loving on them…would have made it so much harder to say goodbye. I will pray for both of us.

  37. and you have me bawling too…
    oh my…
    oh Lord…
    what He is doing in you…and within you is a beautiful work…
    all of it glorifying…
    the anger, the faith, the surrender, the anger, the sadness, the hope, the trust…the life
    yours and hers and HIS
    now and forever

  38. I’m sorry, I haven’t checked your blog in a little while…obviously. HOW WONDERFUL!!! A friend of mine had this happen to her. She was 12 weeks and she bled and bled and bled and she wrote me and told me she had miscarried. Then when she went into the doctor, baby was fine. He’ll be 3 years old in June. I’m so happy for you Jenni! And…you have a good and wise husband.

  39. Crazy happy to see you back. I admit – I actually deleted your link this time. It was bothering me too much to see it everyday, laughing at me, “Ha! Ha! You can click me, but it’s not going to work!”.
    And then I saw you comment over at your brother’s today. 🙂

    You’re a dang good read, Jenni.

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