Here’s the thing…

Everything is fine. Everyone is well. Baby is growing. All manner of everything is good. I’m sorry to be so silent!

Life has been insanely busy lately. Our summer veered off in a completely different direction than we originally had planned (hey, when God says this, not this, then all manner of things get interesting!), and my mental circuitry appears to have blown more than a few fuses.

I have no idea when posting might resume some semblance of regularity. The diet of fibrous thoughtfulness that encouraged such output seems to have been replaced with a backlog of starchy to-do lists. I’m clogged. But I am also hopeful that someday…somehow…a prescriptive enema of creative juices will oil the rusty gears and there will be an explosion of violent cleansing which will lead to healthy, routine musing once again.

Apparently my metaphor gland is still functioning just fine.

Seeing as how I just sat here staring at the computer screen for a full 10 minutes, wondering what to say next, I’m thinking I’ll just step slowly away from the keyboard before all manner of atrocities occur and say have a lovely summer, my friends….

Crazy

Have I ever told you that I read magazines backwards? And the last page of a new book first?

You could say that I’m terrible at surprises. Or impatient. Or maybe just dumb.

In any case, we peeked into the womb yesterday, and discovered that I am carrying our fourth boy in a row. I suffered a momentary pang, simply because it has been 8 years since girly daintiness came to visit, all afresh and pink, and seriously, I had the perfect name picked out!

Short-lived and very silly, these preferences we decide we have. Baby was beautiful and wiggly, smiling and waving, and I’m so happy he’s come to be. Who could begrudge a baby his gender? You’d have to be crazy.

Unfortunately, the world is crazy. Today I read this post, and it shattered my heart.

The other day I read this post, and it was equally as shattering.

Don’t read these posts if you want to continue in apathetic contentment. Don’t read these posts if you don’t want to change. I understand. Change is hard, and painful. Growth blazes new pathways in the brain and tears tissue in order to rebuild it stronger, but we need to be stronger. 

If we are to fight the insanity of this world, we need to be stronger.

Fun and Games. Or at Least Games.

Have you ever played “Would You Rather?” It’s a game featuring a series of choices between two equal-yet-different-and-usually-abyssmal scenarios. I thought it might be fun to play my own version of this game right here on the One Thing blog.

What sparked this idea? I’ll give you a hint with the first question.

1. Would you rather: have a three-day migraine, or 50 chigger bites in your bikini area?

I ask, because I have experienced both scenarios in the past week. Actually, I’m still in the midst of the latter one. Every summer I somehow manage to stand in a patch of the most voracious chiggers known to man. Even though I was surrounded by half a dozen other people, no one else was snacked upon with the same intensity. What can I say? I’m tasty.

I would prefer to have the adjective applied to me in a less literal way, but I’ll take what I can get at my age.

So because my mind is increasingly random, I came up with a few more scenarios to entertain myself and, frankly, to keep the agony of itching from driving me completely insane. Here we go…

2. Would you rather: have you left arm torn off by a shark, or your right foot torn off by a bear?

3. Would you rather: clean up a poop explosion, or a vomit volcano?

4. Would you rather: watch a professional boxing match, or a professional wrestling match?

5. Would you rather: Read the Health Care Reform Package, or watch the Twilight series?

haha!!! Okay, so that was mean. But I’m not entirely sure which one would be worse. Sorry.

6. Would you rather: eat a cow’s eyeball, or a sheep’s brain? Raw.

7. Would you rather: be captured by cannibals, or trapped in an elevator with Robert Downey Jr.?

Just seeing if you’re paying attention.

8. ….

sorry. Can’t concentrate now. Meditating on number 7….

8. Ahem! Sorry! Would you rather: Poke your eye with your mascara wand, or jam your toothrush into your gums?

It occurs to me that number 7 might very well be a legitimate question…for Robert Downey Jr, at least…although the two scenarios might be too similar for him to choose between…

Hawhaw! I’m cracking myself up. Almost forgot about the chigger bites.

Almost.

9. Would you rather: Have to listen to someone talk about themselves for 36 straight hours, or have to talk about yourself for 36 straight hours?

10. Would you rather: Answer all these questions, or come up with 10 of your own?

Well? Well? Wouldya? Couldya? If you come up with 10 of your own, be sure to link it up in the comments! I NEED the distraction!!!

Quirky

Is there anything more fun than a summer cold? I mean, really! I was battling allergies all right, and the sudden, episodic fits of sneezing with subsequent nose-gushage (that’s really hard to say out loud, by the way. try it.) when out of the blue they transmogrified into something quite a bit more sinister. My throat hurt. And my head began to make a strange crackling noise whenever I swallowed. My teeth hurt. My eyes hurt. And the things that began to appear in my tissue were downright terrifying.

Ah, bacteria! You make life so interesting!

Today I think I’m trying to feel better. I can’t really be sure, because I didn’t get much sleep last night so I cannot tell how I would feel if I had. I didn’t get much sleep last night because a certain little boy did this yesterday afternoon…

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…which means he conked out at about 6pm. Which means at about 3am in the morning, I heard “mooooommmmmyyyyy!” and had a very happy 2 year old who wanted to know why it was still so dark and quiet even though it was obviously breakfast-time.

I hope everyone had a lovely Memorial Day. We celebrated Charity, who successfully made the leap to double-digits this year.

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She’s my Y2K baby…born in the year 2000, the year we were all supposed to be plunged into darkness and mayhem. The year we all ran outside at midnight, Jan. 1st, to see if the neighborhood homes would suddenly revert to caves. The year we stockpiled necessities like oatmeal and tylenol and batteries and bugles and cheez-its.

Not really.

So the big caveman-retrograde didn’t happen, but I have to say…maybe because of all the hype seeping through my pores…Charity is a little…quirky. And I’ve talked to other people with Y2K babies, and they say the same things.

“Those Y2K babies,” they say, “they’re….quirky.”

Charity, when she was about 3, commented that “I’m a strange kid.”

I have to wonder what the inside of her brain looks like. I’m betting it’s a psychedelic wonderland, if her drawings tell me anything.

I was a strange kid myself, though, and here’s photographic evidence:

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Truthfully, I think I come from a long line of “quirky.” Charity is simply the latest model.

So we had a party to celebrate her first decade. We had cupcakes.

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And this little guy showed up with his parents

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And my folks came over…

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Quirky. Is that the word I used?

It might not have been quite strong enough.

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Happy Birthday, Charity. I hope you always celebrate your honest and robust lineage of strangeness!

Top Ten Tuesday: The Beach Edition

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Top Ten Properties I Would Buy If Money Was No Object

10. Kauai, Hawaii: This looks like a promising spot…and only $5,450,000!

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9. Cabo San Lucas: This home is available for “fractional ownership”…for about $750,000 you get at least 5 weeks out of the year to use it. Just give me the whole thing for $3,750,000, mmkay? Thanks. 

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8. Oregon Coast: Here we have almost 10 acres with an amazing view of the Pacific. For just $3,499,000, it would be my cute little summer home.

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7. Grand Cayman, BVI: If I had a cool 3 Million bucks burning a hole in my pocket, I’d totally buy this exquisite home on the island of Grand Cayman in the Caribbean.

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6. Belize: Now this is just ridiculous. For a mere $1,625,000 I could live here!

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5. New Zealand: I can’t grab photos of this one, so you’ll have to click here to take a look at it. I also can’t tell you how much it costs because it’s “price upon request,” but hey, I said money was no object, so it don’t really matter none, now, do it?

4. California: By golly, I said money was no object and I meant it! So for 29 (twenty. nine.) million dollars (MILLION. DOLLARS.), I could have this beauty in Carpenteria.

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3. On second thought, if I’m going to spend millions upon millions of dollars, I really think maybe I ought to at least be somewhere slightly more exotic than California. Like the Turks and Caicos Islands in the Caribbean, where I can have this gem for just 12 million.

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2. Did I say exotic? I’m not sure it gets much more exotic than Bora Bora, so here’s a villa with a main house, a guest house, and a guard house. It also comes with a boat, a lagoon runner, and a jet ski. Who wants to call and request the price? Let me know what you find out as soon as you come to.

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1. Oh, forget it. What I really want is my own private island. Like this one in Fiji.

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But enough mindless dreaming. I’m off to do something constructive with my time.

Like buy a few lottery tickets.