True Confessions

Hello, good people of the web. Today I feel the need to unburden myself of some pesky items that niggle at my conscience. After all, I am all about being real. Also, if I can in some small way make you feel better about yourself by revealing my dark, moldy, dust-bunny coated inner self, well, that’s a job well done in my book.

By the way, did you know that True Confessions was a seedy, steamy periodical back in the day? Which day, you ask? How far back, you ask? I’m not really sure. I don’t really care very much, but if one of you wants to research it, or already knows but wants to pretend like you had to research it to find out, well then feel free to enlighten me.

tc

Apparently it consisted mainly of torrid stories of unsanctioned romance and tawdry encounters. Also, it cost ten cents, which I’m sure was quite the guilty pleasure back in the day. How much does one have to pay nowadays to set their senses a-quiver? I’m guessing it’s at least a quarter by now.

Getting on with it (no, not like that):

1. I don’t think Ryan Gosling is attractive. Like, at all.

What’s more, I cannot even comprehend the attraction. He has a face like a thumb. A thumb with a poorly drawn face on it. Okay, so he’s got “abs” and “pecs” and some other stuff going on below the neck, but really? Isn’t that kind of a man-reason to like a man? You know what I mean.

For instructive purposes, I hereby submit two photographs. One is a thumb. The other is Ryan Gosling. You be the judge.

thumb

rg

 As you can see, the difference is hardly detectable.    

2. I wish I had a sensory-deprivation chamber.

After a long day of screaming at my children homeschooling my darlings, I can think of nothing…and I mean NOTHING…better than floating in a SDC. Deprived of any sensory input, either bad or good. Devoid of touch, sound, and sight. The danger would be that I might refuse to emerge, or regress genetically like Eddie Jessup in Altered States.

me

3. Sometimes I don’t return my Wal Mart cart to the cart corral.

cart

This one may get me disowned by my very own brother, who views this as a deep flaw within one’s personality. But I’m being real here. Sometimes it’s too far away. Sometimes it’s three million below zero and I want to get into my car before my extremities shatter. Sometimes there’s a creepy guy checking me out. But most of the time, it’s because I just loaded half the contents of Wal Mart into my trunk and I’m just so damn sick of Wal Mart and handing over my husband’s whole damn paycheck to the whole damn cashier every damn time I go that I figure they can damn well pick up my damn cart. Those cart boys are perfectly capable, and they even have motorized cart-collectors to help them now, the pansies.

4. I want to grow my hair out, but I keep fantasizing about short haircuts.

Really, I have to resign myself to the fact that I’d rather look like this:

MyHero2

than this:

pssh

5. Sometimes I run away from my toddler and hope he gets distracted by something else before he finds me again.

Oh my word. Toddlers are so adorable. But oh my word. Toddlers are so CLINGY. Judah is at the stage where he is learning to Not Need Mommy So Much. However, when he is not on board with this current learning experience, he is certain, nay, convinced with firm, unwavering conviction, that he Needs Mommy At All Times, Without Exception. Even when he is not hungry, poopy, wet, or hurt. Just because There’s Mommy! There She Is! I See Her, Therefore I Need Her!

When he sees me under these conditions, he employs a technique known as “quick, grab a body part and do not let go”, at which point I employ evasive maneuvers. In other words, I run away. I run as fast as I can to a remote location and hope that he gets distracted by something interesting and realizes that playing with his siblings, or with a random toy, or with the dog’s orifices, can be every bit as entertaining as hanging onto my legs and wailing.

At least until he spots me again.

6. It took me all day to write this post.

This may be reason number one why I don’t blog so much anymore.

19 thoughts on “True Confessions”

  1. If you must put Ryan Goslings eyes on a thumb please put his abs and pecs on too … some of us don’t mind that view. Thanks in advance. I’m not much of a fan of him either, but I have seen shirtless pictures and I was ok with it.

    Regarding WalMart carts … I get my carts in the parking lot, close to the car, I leave them there. I figure that’s fair.

    Happy weekend.

  2. That Ryan guy is quite….er…em…ugly. Let’s just be honest. You are 100% correct about his face. Bleh.

    You are sort of inspiring me to get back to my blog. But blogging from the smartphone is like pulling your toenails off with a pliers.

  3. I absolutely agree: I have no idea what the attraction is supposed to be for Ryan. I certainly do not share it. I remember the times of wishing to get away from my kid, but they are sadly long, long ago. Little baby is 17 now. 🙁 I hope by “all day” you did a bit, went on with your life, then did a bit more, etc. I’m glad you posted, though. It always puts a smile on my face!

  4. I fell in love with Ryan Gosling this year. Sorry, but I did. I think it has to do with the combination of body AND quirky personality. I even had a Ryan Gosling movie marathon one weekend. I am also about his age and I remember him from the Mickey Mouse Club. Yeah…

    I always return my carts, because I used to work at a grocery store and it was really hard to collect the carts and push them back in. I didn’t have an electric thing. It was all man-power and it was difficult. Sometimes when I see the person out collecting them, I even run over and give them my cart and help them put them together.

    What did that restless bride do?

  5. Never been attracted to What’s His Thumb Face either.

    I always try to park next to the stupid corral, because I am one of those weirdos that cannot bring herself to leave the cart Right There. I have tried. Trust me. For all the reasons you cite here, including the damns. I just. Can’t. Freaking. Do it. It’s pathetic, really. I see those free-wheeling carts in the parking lot, and envy the prior user.

    Anyway. I like in when you blog. Makes me want to blog more. And meet your toddlers.

  6. Referring to:
    #1- Have you seen ‘Lars and the Real Girl’? I don’t know about handsome, but there’s a sort of kicked-puppy appeal.
    #2- Me too, but if I did I’d charitably donate it to you, as I imagine your house is approximately 4x as noisy as mine.
    #3- I have not done this yet, but I did leave an item in a store in the WRONG PLACE when I changed my mind about purchasing said object today. As a former oppressed supermarket worker I frown upon this, but today I just couldn’t summon the strength.
    #4- I am currently in rebellion against hair-dressers, so my hair is wild and waist-length right now. Being in my 3rd trimester, I feel the long hair distinguishes me from large sea mammals and prevents my recapture and release into the sea by zealous passers-by.
    #5- Haven’t quite gotten there yet, but I do occasionally cover my ears to block out the constant ‘Mama! Mama! Mama!’.
    #6- This has not yet happened to me either 🙂

    Oh, you’ve gone and made me laugh right out loud with #4! I do #3 as well, and tell my husband (who finds it reprehensible) that I am giving all those good workers something to do so they won’t be bored. I don’t know why the man puts up with me.

  7. Glad to see you are (trying to come) back! I’m not blogging as much any more, which means I’m also not checking my reader as much anymore (since it and my dashboard are both in the same place…). So I’m just seeing your last few posts this evening.
    I always park in the same row at the Wal-Mart, and there are several cart corrals close by. I will even park a few spaces further from the store to be closer to the corral because I can. not. just. leave. the. cart. But I don’t park right next to the cart corral, either. Might get a scratch on my 8 year old mommy-van, you know (as if it has none…).

  8. Such joi d’ecriture, my dearest sister. I think Jenn said it best a few posts ago, “I quite enjoy you.” I quite enjoy you, too. In fact, I’m going to stab a kitten in the eyeball with a sharp chopstick if you don’t keep posting these things. So there.

  9. I nearly always return my cart…but that is partly because I always always always do my best to park right next to the cart corral to avoid having to, well, corral two small children (and carry the third) across the parking lot. It’s just much nicer to unbuckle them, pop them in the cart, put the baby on my back, and calmly walk into the store having them all CONTAINED and not moving under their own distracted OH LOOK RED CAR! steam. Y’know. Also, the ONE time I tried to leave a cart in the outer reaches of the parking lot (I was SO SO SO exhausted), my husband looked at me like I had suggested dropping his grandmother off a bridge, so, yeah.

    I am so pleased by your views on Ryan Gosling. So pleased. You should put in together into one graphic comparing them so that it can go viral. Although, it may not do as well as all that because apparently some people really love The Thumb. I confess however that I totally love the Ryan Gosling Handmade tumblr. http://handmaderyangosling.tumblr.com

  10. Lane and I were actually grocery shopping. Together. On Sunday. Okay, weird in itself because this never happens, but he is a die hard put-it-backer, (you wouldn’t have guessed that would you? 😀 ) So I told him about your post and he was like, well, if you had a baby with you, or a toddler in the car, maybe then it would be okay…hahahahahaha, then at the last store a lady had just unloaded her cart and I swept it away from her and took it back for her, the best of both worlds! Everyone should time their unloading with someone else needing it, I am sure I could build an entire political platform around it 😀 Anyhoo, why are still reading this, go do something fun!

  11. I admit to always parking as close to the cart return thingy so I don’t have to push them back. I’d rather walk far on my way TO the store and not on the way BACK to the cart return thingy.

  12. Ryan Gosling? It’s amazing how you made that thumb look just like him. I wonder if he knows that he looks like a thumb? It would be an interesting interview question.

    I always put my cart in the cart thingy because I’ve seen too many of them running willy-nilly around the parking lot (wind,you know)threatening to crash into any hapless vehicle (or shopper). Until a couple of weeks ago. Yes, I was in a hurry. I thought I had gotten it up on the gravel median far enough, but alas, I now have a longggg scratch on the side of my pretty new car. I was so upset and mad at myself that your Dad didn’t even get mad. he just said, in his best philosophical voice “Well, if that’s the worst thing you ever do in your life, you’re okay”. wierd, huh?

    I have to say, the image of you trying to “escape” from Judah is just too funny. What if he discovers your little ruse? It would be another Ryan Gosling episode (but way cuter). Interview question: “And what was your home life like, Prince Judah?” Reply: “Wellll, my mom was kind of strange…one day I opened the closet door and there she was, hiding amongst the coats.”

    What does “ecriture” mean?

  13. Fun!

    Well, my son was a Walmart cart man (“store standard”) for quite a while. It’s actually not a dawdle, expecially in our way below freezing cold snaps (Canada). I bet some of the weather he had to work in was way worse than yours. 😉 That’s not to say I still haven’t left my cart out sometimes. Just probably less often now. 🙂

    I also hide, usually in the bathroom. And there are so many actors I don’t think are all that, but I hate celebrity culture anyway so I ignore them.

    I seem to remember a cycle of posting like crazy, having super high standards of literary amazingness, then getting burned out and quitting altogether. How about this time lowering your standards a tad to something you can keep up? A vote from one who much prefers regular updates to literary brilliance, but understands perfectionism too. (Your brilliance will show anyway, right?)

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