Now that the big announcement is out of the way, I just want to say that one of the most hopeful symptoms I have had this time around was the fact that I have been feeling like Epic Crapola. The last four pregnancies were of the (hatefully named) “blighted ovum” type, with the baby inexplicably ceasing to develop past 6 weeks.  Since six weeks is right around the time that I usually start to feel bad, I knew the gig was up when I felt more or less normal.

Of course, I tried to rationalize with “well, I’m getting older, things are bound to change” and “maybe it’s because I eat healthier now” and “every pregnancy is different” but in my heart of hearts, I knew, even before the sonograms revealed the truth in glaring black and white.

A few weeks ago, I noticed that everything smelled horrible. Things that normally would not have bothered me at all  (soup. pancakes. scented soap. the closet. lotion. deodorant. the couch. the kitchen. the dining room. pretty much my whole house. my own upper lip.) turned me green. My children giggled one morning when I took the peelings from one of their clementines and shoved them up my nose during their spelling lesson. They thought I was just being silly.

And don’t even get me started on the things that usually smell bad to me anyway (the dog. my son’s room. diapers. heavily perfumed ladies. brocolli.). My only recourse was minty gum, and lots of it. Stepping through the doors of Wal Mart was like taking my life into my own hands, and not for all the usual reasons. The orgy of cacophanous smells that assault my nostrils every time I go in that cursed place is enough to make me resort to this:

or, at the very least, this:

A couple of weeks ago I gave up my beloved coffee because I’m pretty sure it was killing me softly with its song. At first, I thought chai tea would be my go-to hot beverage substitute. I liked it a lot. It tasted great.

Shortly thereafter, I bought a chai tea latte from Starbucks one morning and with one sip a loud and persistent bell began going off in my head: ALARM! ALARM! STEP AWAY FROM THE CHAI! IMMINENT REVERSAL OF DIGESTIVE GRAVITY LIKELY!!!

So that was disappointing.

I drank hot chocolate this morning, which was okay, but now my heart is beating like a tiny bird trapped in a net and I think I won’t be doing that anymore either.

I miss my darling evil little coffee friend. It’s the one thing that still smells good to me.

Y’all know I’m not complaining. I mean, yes, I’m complaining, but it doesn’t negate my abundant delight at the reason behind the world smelling like one humongous waste processing plant.

I best be off now. I have to make a shopping list. My family insists on still getting hungry at regular intervals, which means I must brave the wilds of the grocery megalopolis and its deli-burnt-fried-chicken-shoe-leather-bleach-floor-cleaner smell.

Pray for me.