Every time I receive CBD’s catalog of the newest Christian fiction offerings, I find myself giggling. Setting aside, for the moment, the very fine argument that the moment “Christian” fiction became its own genre it also nestled down inside a slick and silky coffin and began driving in the nails, I submit that for every one quality “Christian” novelist there are at least 100 high-school-creative-writing-teacher’s-pets churning out books that get published simply by virtue of the fact that they are bereft of anything objectionable, and contain at least one scene of someone getting baptized.
However, I do have one thing to say in their favor: their summaries in the CBD catalog are delightful targets for mirthful ridicule.
Don’t believe me? Here, I’ll prove it. I’ll write several blurbs for novels that exist solely in the dark recesses of my twisted mind, along with copying an equal amount of completely real blurbs from completely real novels. Can you tell the difference?
Ready? Here goes.
The Scent of Jasmine
Retired Private Investigator Flax Cracker thought he’d left business behind him when he won the lottery and moved to Honolulu. But things aren’t all peaches and cream in the land of aloha. When his sweet and unassuming neighbor, Honey Sunshine, is accused of murdering her 3-star General of a husband, he finds himself caught up in a desperate race to clear her name. But will his heart be the second casualty in this thrilling murder mystery?
Okay, okay, so that was a gimme. I was just dying to use those names. The following will be more of a challenge, I promise. No fair googling titles to see if they exist!!
1. Hourglass
The sleepy little town of Moss Point, Mississippi, is shaken out of its slumber when a mysterious stranger arrives with the apparent ability to stop, and even reverse, time! The tight-lipped and brooding Mr. Adrian offers the struggling townspeople economic stability if they choose to accept his offer of help, but is he the angel he appears to be…or something far more sinister?
2. A Widow’s Hope
A tender love story set in the rolling green fields of Ohio Amish country! When newly widowed Hannah relocates from Pennsylvania to Ohio with her sheep, she’d determined that her new life won’t include romance…until she meets widower Seth Miller. Is the gentle farmer drawn to Hannah–or to her productive flock?
3. Sweet Charity
An undisciplined two year old named Charity has Shauna Alexander seriously questioning her calling as a child care provider. Pastor Kent Chapman’s heart is still raw from losing his wife. He knows he spoils his daughter, but he can’t help but see his wife in her. During a computer repair mix-up, Kent finds himself attracted to Shauna, but when their worlds collide over the rebellious toddler’s behavior, both must work toward reconciliation. Will the Lord cause Kent to choose between his daughter and his heart?
4. Blue Skye
Skye Cerule finds herself sinking into an unshakeable depression after the death of her twin sister. When she resorts to an overdose of sleeping pills one dark night, she awakens to find herself in the care of Dr. Darrin Angelus at the local mental hospital. Through the good doctor’s compassionate therapy, Skye begins to feel stable enough to be released. However, when her sister begins to visit her in the dead of night with strange warnings about Skye’s future, she begins to question what is real and what isn’t. Will she ever find peace?
5. Pasadena Promises
Love blooms like a rose from the thorns of war for three strong-willed women. Rebecca, a widow, reaches out to battle-scarred Courtney. Will Jack ever see Daisy as the compassionate woman she has become—not the little girl he once knew? And Claire struggles to understand Daniel’s reluctance to enlist after the bombing of Pearl Harbor.
6. Spurred by Love
Hotheaded cowboy Flint Colton has been breaking mustangs since he was kneehigh to a prairie dog. But when fiery Stella Dawson shows up to offer a newfangled method for gentling wild horses, sparks fly between the two! When Flint’s prize stallion escapes into the Texas hill country with Stella’s favorite filly, they are forced to work together to bring their horses home. Will they find more than just the runaways during their time beneath the endless prairie sky?
Okay, time’s up. Which are fake, and which are tripe real? Leave me a comment listing the THREE FAKES and I’ll reveal the truth Saturday, along with a fun prize for the winner (picked from all the correct entrants).
*alternate title: Sour Grapes Make Great Whine
I just stumbled onto your blog. I have no idea which one are real or fake but I will guess 3 and 4
Quick! Pick one more! Three are fake…(welcome, and thanks for playing!)
I would have to guess that two, three and five are actually from real novels.
I guess 2,4,6.
Now I have to go google the titles to see if I’m right….
Thanks for the laughs!
I have tears running down my face…thank you, thank you. Just what I needed after approximately 2 hours sleep last night, courtesy of my baby girl.
Ok, I am really hoping that you made up number 6 (Flint Colton is just fabulous) also 1 and 2.
Rachael in Austalia
I’ll guess 2, 4, and 6 are the fakes.
I’ve always found “Christian literature” mediocre (at best). Nobody throw stones, but I also feel the same about “Christian music.” Oatmeal bland, bogus dilemmas, sunshine-happy solutions. Life is too messy for the formulaic “art” Christian industries try to force on us.
4, 5, and 6?
I think its sad that any of these are real! People, c’mon, seriously…
I think you should write the Flax Cracker story.
You know, in your spare time.
I’m guessing 2, 4, and 6 are fakes.
I have NO idea. But there’s NO way anyone is named Skye Cerule!!
You should soooo be published…I especially like the name Skye Ceruline and Honey Sunshine…
Come on sister write and publish those babies floating in there…but I think they should be detectives on a beach…jez sayin…
I’m guessing 1, 4 and 5 are fakes… but really I have no idea!
I’m going for 1, 3 an 6 being fake. But they’re all pretty ridiculous, eh?
Ack. My comment didn’t show up. I think the fakes are 3, 4 and 6. But it is super hard to tell! What a hilariously fun game.
That said, have you found ANY Christian fiction that you can stand? If so, I’m up for suggestions. I will admit to liking the Mitford series.
They ALL sound silly…
Hourglass sounds like some other books I’ve seen/read (Peretti, for instance), so it is a plausible.
Widow’s Hope involves moving your sheep across country and then not knowing if the farmer loves you or your sheep? That sounds too absurd for you to make up and expect it to be believable, so I’m thinking that is a real one. plus, I think I’ve seen that title in the library. could be for a different book entirely, though.
Sweet Charity is the name of a song, isn’t it?
I’m thinking this one is not real.
Blue Skye has a pretty character name, and might be an interesting story, but dead sister forecasting the future in your head at night does not sound like a plot line for a Christian book.
Pasadena Promises sounds so sappy, and has multiple story lines in it like so many books do these days, so I think that one is real.
Spurred By Love doesn’t inspire me one way or another, and I’ve only picked two fakes so far, so I guess that leaves this one.
Therefore, I guess 3, 4, 6.
I cheated…and googled them and you are a hoot!!!! And really creative. Your first fake sounds like you should write it.
oh damn. this is too hard. I’m cracking up here!!
oh, and I love your alternate title, LOL…
You know, I am so proud of that one myself! Surely I’m not the first to coin that phrase…although I’d never heard it before!?
Jenni,
You’re killing me here…..
I am in charge of the library at our church, so I have the distinct displeasure of buying some of these books for the ladies at church to read. They are crazy for them, I kid you not. It pains me to spend our budget on some of this stuff.
So, here goes… I think #2 is real simpley because there are SO MANY Amish books; I think a person can write anything and label it Amish and it will sell. So while relocating sheep seems ridiculous, I think it’s a real book. #3 is just sappy enough to be a real book, and that “strong-willed” thing in #5 is a common hook, so I think that one is real too. So that leaves 1,4, and 6 are the fakes. Final answer!
Now for the good news – there is some good Christian fiction out there, but it’s hard to find.
Adrienne
#6, 3, and 4 are the fakes – or ARE they???
Cute! 
#2, 3, and 4 are fakes (or maybe not).
Okay, here goes my wild guess…3,4, & 6 are fake?
Now i’m second guessing myself, ahhh…just post the comment already, Kimberly!!! :0!
My guess is that 1, 2, & 5 are real.
Scent of Jasmine ain’t real??? I was all set to go place it on hold at my liberry!!! *pout*
I wish good Christian fiction were easier to find. I won’t even read a book unless someone I TRUST recommends it, and even then, I end up desiring to throw it across the room in disgust more often than not.
If you’ve never read Karen Kingsbury…don’t start. Just a tip. (No offense to anyone present.)
Fakes– 1, 4, 6
I agree with Mary, U think the fakes are #1, #4, and #6.
Whoops, mistyped there. That should read “I think the fakes are …” rather than “U think …”
Fake, 1,5,6
All look unreadable.
They ALL cracked me up. Sheesh. #2 and #6 (Spurred by Love? getouttahere) have got to be fakes, and maybe #3, which just seems too insipid to be true, but maybe not.
So hysterical! I think 2,4 and 6 have to be fakes..but then again, I’m not sure. I’ve pretty much given up on Christian fiction. Marilynne Robinson is my favorite author and next to her, not much compares. ps. I don’t think #1 is fake because my dad actually hails from Moss Point, MS (weird reason, but hey…).
ack this is too hard! I am pretty sure the amish and cowboy one are “real” but which ones are fake?!?! Ok I am guessing 2,3, and 6.
I’m guessing 2, 5, and 6 are the fakes!
Oh, Christian fiction……why? What is that C.S. Lewis quote? The world needs fewer Christian writers and more writers who are Christians. Bad paraphrase, but true.
These are all so funny! Thanks for the entertainment:) I have never even heard of CBD & now think that proberly is not such a bad thing.
All the reviews made me smirk but none stand out as obvious fakes. You could probably make some money with your creative writing skills. I will guess 1,4 & 6 are fake…but really have no idea.
i’m guessing the fakes are 2, 4, and 6…. but, man, this is tough! and you’re a good story teller
2,3 and 6 are my guesses 1 really wanted to get in there too and I hemmed and hawed between it and 3. I know EXACTLY what you mean!!!
My guess is that 2, 4, and 6 are the fakes. You are too funny!