Here’s the deal: a few months back I determined to attempt to get closer to God than I had ever been. I got down on my face, in the literal sense of the word, multiple times daily (and sometimes in the dead of night) to talk to Him, and to try to hear His voice. I doubled up on my daily Bible reading. I made a point to praise Him in all things.
I lasted a few weeks.
In those few weeks, there were no mind-blowing or earth-shattering revelations. The clouds did not part. I heard no audible voice. I did not perceive any response from heaven whatsoever. In other realms, however?
All hell broke loose.
Beneath the surface of my cool exterior (heh), there was a battle raging. The swing had swung, and I was grinding through the mud again.
It hardly seemed fair.
The harder I tried to “press in”, the thicker the mud became.
Doubts, fears, depression, darkness. Deep, deep darkness settled over me. I felt more than ever like the ship tossed by every wind and wave, incapable of receiving anything from the Lord because of my own incapacity for trust.
And so I gave up. I got off my face. I staggered over to the corner of the mat to get my eye stitched up and my mouthpiece replaced.
And I stayed there.
I didn’t know what God was doing. I wasn’t sure I wanted to know. Especially if He was doing nothing at all; watching impassively from the sidelines.
As time passed and I slogged up out of the pit, I mustered up the courage to question God. Why? Why, God? What gives? When I draw near to You, You’re supposed to draw near to me, not duck and cover while the devil and my own traitorous nature break chairs over my head repeatedly.
Keep wrestling. I heard Him speak to my heart. Just keep wrestling until the blessing comes.
I might have snorted aloud when He said it. But I knew it was truth. And I also knew that I was scared spitless to enter the ring again.
I knew that He had said everything that can shake, WILL shake. Whatever can be lost WILL be lost. That His trials are the fire by which we are refined. And I realized that is the crux of my fear. That is what causes me, over and over again, to forfeit the match, gather the shreds of my strength and my wits, and retreat.
I do not want to lose everything.
I am deeply, profoundly afraid that there is nothing in me of substance. Nothing that cannot shake. Nothing that will not be lost. That, at my core, I am a vast wasteland of dross, with no silver to be refined, and when the fire comes, I will simply melt away and be no more.
When the shaking is done, what if only dust remains?
My Beloved bears the brunt of my fist-flailing. He watches and prays as the tears fall, and holds the glue that pieces me back together. He says the darndest things to me.
Even the dust belongs to God he says. Maybe that’s what knowing Him really requires; the willingness to become dust again if we have to.
He’s quite the preacher, that man of mine, though he’s never been paid for it.
So I am coming to believe that it’s not about tending to my wounds and hoping that someday I’ll be strong enough to go ten rounds. It’s not about getting out alive.
It’s about being weak. It’s about letting the battle rage, and trusting that if all that is left is dust, then it will be His good pleasure to breathe life into it.
He’s pretty good at that, after all.
He paid the ultimate price for you. My beloved asserts. Because you are worth something to Him. You are more than the dust you are made from.
I’m choosing to believe it. I’m taking that promise to the mat. And this time I’m going down for the count.
Ezekiel 37
Amen, and amen. I love you, Mommy! Thank you for writing this.
Beautiful, and something I’ve been wrestling with myself lately as well. Thank you for sharing.
Holy cow… I needed that.
I have a verse to share with you. Not in a ‘here read this verse and all will be well’ kinda way.
I share this verse because it is the verse I CLING to when I feel like I’m nothing but dust. It reminds me that, well, God knows.
Psalm 103: 13-14
As a father has compassion on his children,
so the LORD has compassion on those who fear him;
for he knows how we are formed,
he remembers that we are dust.
These are my favorites. My all time favorites. He KNOWS. He REMEMBERES. How comforting.
Oh Jenni, thank you for sharing these words that were born through pain, for the Holy Spirit has carried them deep into my heart and planted seeds of perseverance.
Hebrews 11:6; Psalm 34:10
Thank you for sharing this. I can really relate.
I hear you. I get it. Completely and utterly get it. I’m kind of there myself, actually.
“nothing in me of substance”
Jenni, I see your life as an expression and an example of God’s love and your writings have given me a greater appreciation of all the gifts that are are all around me.
One of the most often mis-quoted “scriptures” (that isn’t actually in the Bible) is that “God will never give you more than you can handle.” What? Nope, never says that. He will provide a way out of temptation so that we can stand up under it, but He definitely lets us reach the end of ourselves. I am so thankful for your example of doing just that: becoming weak so that His strength is magnified.
weak dust with you…it’s the only place to be…
I know what you mean. Sometimes I’m afraid too.
Thank you for putting into words what I, too, am experiencing & feeling.
There is comfort in knowing I’m not the only one with these insecurities.
There is comfort in being reminded that yes, He does care & that “…you are worth something to Him. You are more than the dust you are made from.”
Thanks for that reminder, Jenni. I needed it.
Pretty good stuff sis. It is really nice to know that we can go through what seems to be alot of the same issues and come out better on the other side.
It was really really good to see you last weekend. Sorry we couldn’t get a bite to eat with you guys… we’ll make it up in the future. Love you and I am always praying for all you guys
Love it. Reminded me of a Doug Jones article called “God the Dangerous: Playing with Knives” – particularly the part on Abraham’s fearless, laughing faith that if God was going to kill his son, He would certainly be raising him right back from the dead.
Thanks for coming back to the blogosphere. You are appreciated, dust, sea monkeys and all.
goodness gracious. Thank you for that. What an amazing, and incredible post. From the looks of it, I would say that indeed God is moving. He is stirring in you a deeper understanding of his ways, even if it felt like nothing, it certainly was not nothing. not at all. God is awesome and you are blessed, even when you feel much the opposite. Keep fighting the good fight.
The lines you wrote about “…if all that is left is dust, then it will be His good pleasure to breathe life into it… Because you are worth something to Him. You are more than the dust you are made from.” just rocked me to my soul. To truly see ourselves as dust, yet dust that it fashioned BY HIM into something wonderful – I struggle to wrap my head around this.
I can certainly relate to your feelings about that viscious pendulum, and I long to be free from doubts.
Adrienne
blargh! how did i not see this for a whole DAY!
beauty, beauty. i wish i could write like you! thanks for sharing. you *know* i get it!
Wow! See, this is what I was missing out on while you were “away”!
Jesus died for us because He loves.
No matter what.
There is no prerequesit.
He loves us and wants us with Him.
Praise Him on your face or on your fanny.
He loves you either way.
He became human in Jesus, so he understands what the challenges – and limitations- of being human are.
Enjoy the beauty and love He has created.
And celebrate His love for you everyday.
Amen. Preach it, girlfriend. At the end, death comes. But wait…is that a resurrection?
After I read this I sat down to write out the story of my own wrestling with God from the past year. It was a dark dark time, unlike anything I have experienced before. Thank you for being REAL! So many people feel this way but we put on our church face and act like life is easy! I know this will not be my last battle but I also know I picked up some new weapons to use in the fight.
Just reading this. Perfect timing for me, though. He’s like that, isn’t He? Thank you.