Transparent

I need to say something before I take my little homeschooling-bloggy-break. Some of your comments have convicted me, and I’m taking time to write this in the interest of truth-in-advertising and all that jazz.

 

I’m not the person you think I am.

 

Not full of faith.

 

Not full of joy.

 

Not full of gratitude.

 

Most days, I feel about 99% darkness.

 

The bible tells us that Satan goes about like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour, and friends? Sometimes I feel about halfway down his throat.

 

Everything I do here…my posts about thankfulness, my prayers and poetry…they only tell a portion of the story. They are the hope that I cling to, the hope that one day all that I know in my head will make it into my heart.

 

But I am nowhere near that point. Right now I doubt I will ever get close.

 

Depression is a heavy blanket laid upon my heart. The decision to see God’s hand at work, the deliberate focusing on His gifts each day pushes it back, incrementally, and allow rays of His light shine into the darkness and provide relief from the weight. But some days it won’t budge. No matter what. And I feel utterly bereft.

 

I have struggled with being truthful here. We aren’t supposed to cause others to stumble in our words or actions. I want to be a beacon of hope. But I feel that only hinting at the depths to which I struggle is becoming dishonest. I just want you to know: I’m broken. I’m floundering. Sometimes I think the heart-soil into which His Word was sown has been irreparably poisoned and its fruit will constantly be choking and dying.

 

I don’t know how to do the job He’s given me. Many times I don’t believe He gives a shit about me.

 

Yes, I just said shit. I do that sometimes.

 

So I doubt Him, and I argue with Him, and I tell Him that it would be far, far better to just take me home now via an out-of-control bus or a fatal disease, but He doesn’t listen. For some reason I am still here.

 

And some days are so full of joy I can hardly breathe. I marvel at His goodness, and I cling to His grace. I feel His love around me and I believe He is big enough to fix even me. I walk in His light and am directed by His hand and even if all doesn’t go smoothly, I am reassured. I know He sees the Big Picture, and I trust Him.

 

(today is not one of those days)

 

I say all this to warn you: sometimes I will be unpredictable. Sometimes I will say I am giving up blogging only to return after a couple of months because I realize that writing is therapeutic and even essential to me in working out the tangled mess that is my emotional life, and having someone to read it and give me feedback buoys me up. Sometimes I will say summer is not over, only to say it is in the next breath. Sometimes I will say I am going on a bloggy break in order to prepare to homeschool, only to then immediately post one more thing.

 

Sometimes I will cuss.

 

Hello, my name is Jenni, and it’s nice to meet you. I hope you don’t expect perfection.