Recap. Nightcap. Both are good.

It is a sad fact of life that the Christmas lights have to go back into storage right at the point where everything slows down enough for me to really enjoy them.

 

Before I commence the Great Christmas Disassembly of 2009 (which almost certainly precedes the Great New Year’s Depression of 2010), I thought I’d take a breather and wish everybody auld lang syne and all that jazz.

 

In truly self-absorbed bloggy fashion, I thought I would bore everybody with a little summation of 2009 from my personal perspective. This will undoubtably be more for my benefit than for yours, so if you want to take a little nap, now would be an excellent time. All tucked in? Cozy blankie? Lights dim? Okay then, here goes:

 

(one editorial note: by “favorite” post, I mean posts that I personally revisit in the hopes that any truth I discovered from wrestling with God will someday sink in)

 

A One Thing recap of 2009

 

January: I painted a bedroom, survived near death in an ice storm, started my very own weekly blog carnival, and put dreadlocks in my daughter’s hair.

 

Funniest post: tea party

 

Favorite post: pearls before swine

 

February: I painted the solar system onto canvas, compiled lists of my favorite romantic comedies, created the first ever One Thing award, and my beloved Mother in Law had not one but TWO heart attacks (she’s doing well today).

 

Funniest post: Actually, I don’t think I was very funny in February, 2009. But I did write a really nice poem.

 

Favorite post: Courage

 

March: In March, I disappeared. Like, forever. Except not. Let’s just say I was sick of life blogging and thought I’d never come back. Most people took me at my word and thus, I lost about half of my readership. Ah, well, c’est la vie, or if you love something set it free, or when life hands you lemons, or whatever.

 

April: My grandbaby was born. Someday I intend to write about that. I only wrote one post all the livelong month. Most of you were all like “What th…? Are you back? Or not? Are you not back? Or are you back? Are you bipolar, or what?”

 

To which I say: Yes. And: Sorry.

 

May: My grandson smiled, two of my children got baptized, and I railed against so-called cheap vacations.

 

Funniest Post: LOST: MY way

 

Favorite Post: The Mat

 

 June: I had an entire week of giveaways! They were pretty damn awesome, if I do say so myself, too. I also started Top Ten Tuesdays, and although many other people do that too, none of them feature my totally fabulous Top Ten SQUID. Which obviously makes mine the best.

 

Funniest Post: A Funny Poll

 

Favorite Post: Love Lightly (another poem…sorry)

 

July: I wrote a letter to Father Time, a minute-by-minute detailing of my day (er…part of it), and why I love cemetaries.

 

Funniest Post: Summer Staycashun

 

Favorite Post: What’s in a Line? no, wait. This one.

 

August: I exhorted you to see at least one movie this year (Julie and Julia), made my own versions of Ugly Dolls, shared some other DIY projects, and told you all the ways God reminds me that He cares.

 

Funniest Post: Getting Published

 

Favorite Post: exhibit C

 

September:  I posted some really cute pictures of my kids. And wrangled with my heart. Like, a lot.

 

Funniest Post: Top Ten Tuesday

 

Favorite Post: Valleys. No. Wait. This one. Actually, this one.  Or maybe this one.

 

October: I took a 40 day bloggy break. In which I lost a fourth of my remaining readership. Hey, who needs ’em anyway? It’s you faithful types that I value. harrumph.

 

November: Only 4 posts. None of them particularly funny, but there was yet another poem that I really love, and my favorite post from the entire year.

 

December: I posted pictures from Thanksgiving, pictures of children decorating gingerbread men, and pictures of underwear on light fixtures. Also wrote a tribute to my baby brother, and got very silly as we approached Christmas. It was a random month.

 

Funniest Post: I don’t know. How about you tell me?

 

Favorite Post: This and this

 

Okay! Time to wake up now! Come on! Wakey wakey!! It’s two hours from the New Year here and this took me way longer than it should have. So I’m off to watch a little Monk (first season, gift from My Beloved, major score), drink a beer (hey, I’m out of champagne) and watch 2010 approach. May it come bearing gifts and grace for every one of us.

Merry….oh, you know…!!

I bought these

 

snowflake

 

And my daughters made these…

 

snowflake kit

 

 

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And I baked these…

 

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P1010002

 

And then this happened:

 

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Coincidence? I THINK NOT.

 

I’m praising God this morning that the power stayed on and that I got to enjoy this:

 

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from the comfort of my heated, cozy house…ahhhh….thank You Lord…

 

At 8:00 this morning, the living room looked like this:

 

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At 11:19 this morning, it looked like this:

 

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Just in case you ever wondered what Christmas morning at a household of 13 looks like. To be honest, I need a wide-angle lens to capture it properly.

 

Lastly but not leastly,

 

HAPPIEST OF CHRISTMASSES EVERYONE!!!!

 

White or green, may it be merry and bright. And may you discover a sweet surprise under the tree just for you.

Merry Christmas Eve!!

 Hey, all you types out there who are taking “breaks” during “Christmastime” so you can “focus” on “family” and “togetherness”, I have just one thing to say to you:

 

You’re lame! Come on!!! What the heck am *I* supposed to read now???

 

Selfish.

 

My plans for travel have been thwarted by a forecast of snow/ice/wind/weather-spawned-from-the-loins-of-satan, so instead I am here at home on Christmas Eve, and I cannot say that I’m terribly upset. I spent three hours and My Beloved’s paycheck at Wal-Mart (along with the entire population of our town, apparently) yesterday buying ice melt and firewood and sanitary pads and leeks and coffee and spinach and hash browns and molasses and vodka and hemp milk and salmon and noodles and bananas, so it’s all good. Let the snow come! I shall laugh from the safety and security of my toasty little house.

 

Unless the power goes out. Then I will weep into my vodka.

 

Actually, Wal Mart doesn’t sell vodka. I had to go to the licker store for that.

 

I”m always a little nervous coming out of the licker store, because we attend (haha. I say “attend” as though we actually go. long story. maybe later) a particular denomination of church where the consumption of alchohol is not approved. I had to wonder what I would do if my pastor or somesuch happened to drive by right as I stepped out with my brown paper sack of inebriation.

 

The fact that I need vodka for my pasta a la vodka probably would not sound like a very firm excuse, given that I also had a couple of six packs with me.

 

Oh well. I actually don’t worry about it very much. This would be because I don’t really care.

 

Isn’t this an edifying post? Aren’t you glad you visited?

 

Hey, seeing as how I’m the only one on the whole wide interweb who is still puttin’ out, I say you get what you pay for.

 

That really, really did not sound good.

 

As long as I’m being so spiritual, watch this.

 

 

 

And this.
 

 

 

To sum up the past few days, some people are weird, and some people say really strange things, and some people shouldn’t own dogs, and some people are really hot and some people are really not, and also the fist shaking thing, wrapping presents, celebrities, hyperventilations, secret gifts, BALD faced, Blue Wiggle, bunnies, new haircut, twins, peace and quiet, giant hammerold people, garlic, X is okay, Starbucks, SNL, vodka, teatotallers, annnnnnd…..

 

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVE, to my favorite people in the whole world: all you guys I’ve never met.

 

Okay, so you’re not my favorites. You might be. But I’ll probably never know for certain. One thing is certain, though, and that is that I hope you take time today to look around, take deep breaths, and savor the anticipation and the love of those surrounding you. Find somebody to hug, and for the love of all the fluffy puppies on God’s green Earth, hug them.

 

They could probably really use it right about now.

Merry Christmas Adam!!

Christmas Adam. It comes before Christmas Eve! Haw! (thanks for the joke, naddy. it made me giggle!)

 

In closing, let me say that I’m done talking about Dave Ramsey and his status as a hottie, although I’m sure his wife would think he is…she’s not likely to ever stop by my blog and confirm this, however.

 

Just kidding! That’s not really my closing, that’s my opening.

 

I have a question. Maybe somebody can help me out. It’s a very pressing question, and one which frequently puzzles me. What makes old people smell like old people? Now, please don’t misunderstand me. I’m not saying old people smell bad. But you must admit…they all smell…old. Is it the vitamins? Or does wisdom have an aroma all its own?

 

My childhood home, which my parents still live in, has a very distinct odor, too. I don’t know what it is, but whenever my parents come over, it clings to them. It’s not bad either, but I’m pretty sure there’s a fair amount of garlic in it.

 

Wait a minute. Do they smell like the house, or does the house smell like them?

 

Somebody’s gonna have to rock me to sleep tonight.

 

As long as I’m here, let me clear something up. I know a lot of Christians really despise when people say “X-mas” instead of Christmas, because they feel like it’s putting a big “X” over Christ, so to speak. But I’m here to say that it’s totally not! The abbreviation came about because the first letter in “Christ”, when written in Greek, is X, pronounced “chi”. You can read more about that here.

 

Is God offended by the shortening of His name? Well, seeing as how there weren’t even any vowels in His name for thousands of years, I doubt it.

 

By the way, Starbucks? Why did you stop offering your salted caramel hot chocolate? I hate you.

 

Oh, but Starbucks? Your new egg and gouda breakfast sandwich is the subject of my every breakfast fantasy. I love you.

 

My children have a little poem that they made up just for Christmas Eve Eve. It goes:

 

“Tomorrow we will say
‘tomorrow is Christmas Day!'”

 

Isn’t that clever? It only works for today, though, so HURRY AND USE IT!

Merry Christmas Eve Eve Eve!!

Okay, seriously, people! Am I to believe that NO ONE out there thinks this is hot, or even CUTE, but me?

 

cutiepie

 

Note to self: apparently, you are a freak.

 

Oh well. I don’t really care what you think, internet. Dave will always have my fond affection, even if he never looks my way because my debts aren’t big enough.

 

Heh. Heh. My debts. Aren’t big enough. Heh.

 

You know what else is cute? This Wiggle:

 

anthony_field

 

He’s the blue one. If he rolled around in the dirt and got all sweaty, he might even be hawt.

 

Also, bunnies. There honestly is nothing cuter than a bunny. Yes, they are! They are, too! See?

 

OMGcute

 

Oh my asdlkjfedsa;tgewyipuio. I think I just died. No, I’m certain I did. That is some serious, terminal cuteness right there. And you are some sort of subhumanoid robotic androidinal submarine cave-dweller troglodyte if you don’t agree.

 

Not that I would ever intentionally offend anyone!

 

In other news, I got my hair cut. Off. I used to think I couldn’t pull off super-short because I don’t have what might be classified as a petite little dewdrop of a face such as the beautiful Halle Berry (besides the fact that I am irrevocably and unrelentingly caucasion, dadgummit), but as I get older I just don’t care anymore. I want short hair, by golly, and I’m gonna have short hair, even if I DO have the world’s largest chin and nose. Okay, second largest. My twin, Glenn Close, has the largest.

 

P1080036

 

I probably should have put on some lipstick first.

 

The last time I ever had my hair this short was when I was about 10 years old and someone mistook my older brother and me for twins. Twin BOYS.

 

That’s a bit of a downer for a little girl.

 

Here’s a picture of my brother, by the way.

 

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I think the resemblance is strongest around the eyes.

 

Haha! No, really, here’s a picture of my brother:

 

matt

 

Wow. Maybe we really are twins! I can’t tell us apart. Am I the one with 12 kids, or the one who is a bachelor carpenter in Arizona?

 

When we were kids and we’d ask our mom what she wanted for Christmas, she’d always say the same thing: “A little peace and quiet”.  And then we’d groan and shake our heads vigorously and yell “NO MOM, WHAT DO YOU REEEEEALLY WANT?!?!?” As if we had any power to give her anything anyway, since we never had any sort of allowance of any kind. Come to think of it, we *could* have given her peace and quiet. But she so obviously did NOT want that!

 

So Mom…what do you want for Christmas?

 

I’ll tell you what I want: I want peace and quiet, sure, but I also want chocolate-covered rainbows to drench my house in sunny sunshine every day of my life until sweet gumdrop flowers sprout from my lawn and coconuts filled with gold dubloons drop from the clouds and smash upon the pavement so that I can buy an ever-blooming vitamin-truffle tree for every single living being on the planet.

 

While we’re at it, I’d also like a giant hammer to swing down out of the sky and obliterate anyone who terrorizes, victimizes, or otherwise ~izes the innocents of the world.

 

And a french bulldog puppy. And a bunny.

 

It’s not a big dream, it’s just a little dream.

 

So, to recap: Blue Wiggle, bunnies, new haircut, twins, peace and quiet, giant hammer.

 

I gotta get back to building houses now. Oh wait, that’s my brother! I mean, I better get back to wrapping presents.

Merry Christmas Eve Eve Eve Eve!

You know what I think is cute? Puppies. Yes! I know I’m weird. But really, they are! They are cute. YES, they are. Especially these kind:

 

OMGcute
(photo credit sabrechaser.wordpress.com)

 

That, my friends, is a French Bulldog. In a sweater. I’m sorry to afflict you with so much cuteness in one photo, but if I must suffer, so must you. It’s only fair.

 

You know what else is cute? My Beloved. And Dave Ramsey, don’t forget! My oldest girls inform me that he is cute, but not hot. He’s not dirty and scruffy enough to be hot, I have been informed. I suppose they’re right. I get the two terms confused sometimes.

 

Did you know it’s only 4 more sleeps until Christmas? Today it is sunny and supposed to be 58 degrees. FIFTY! EIGHT! I shed tears of gratitude. Not that I’ll get to snork any of the warmth…I’ll be locked in my room for 3,051 hours as I attempt to wrap all the presents currently snickering at my from the depths of my closet.

 

What would you do if you saw a celebrity in the flesh? I really want to know. I mean, like, if it was your favorite celebrity. Would you make a complete and utter idiot of yourself, or play it cool? Or would you really BE cool, like “hey man, they’re just normal people, after all, just like you and me…one leg at a time and all that jazz…” Because if you would be like that, I’m afraid we can’t be friends. Because no matter how ashamed I’d be, I know for a fact that I’d be all freaking out and hyperventilating and passing out and dying.

 

It’s stupid, I know.  I’m really sorry.

 

Is there an item that you’re really! super! excited! to be giving one, or more, of your loved ones this year? Isn’t it fun when that happens? When you know they’re really gonna love it and you can’t wait to give it to them? I have several items like that this year. One of them is a ********* for *********** and a ******* for *******. They’re awesome!!

 

My family reads my blog.

 

As long as I’m here, let me help some people out. The proper term is “Better nip it in the BUD”, NOT “Better nip it in the BUTT”. It’s a gardening thing. Also, it’s “used to” not “use to”. Also, it’s “Bald-faced lie” NOT “Ball-faced lie”. Bald faced. As in, bare faced, looking straight-in-the-eye-when-you-say-it, deceitful. Ball faced? No idea. Please stop saying it wrong.

 

Okay, so there’s 4 more sleeps, wrapping presents, celebrities, hyperventilating, secret gifts, and BALD-FACED.

 

Also, just to clarify, this is cute:

 

cutiepie

 

but this is hot:

 

hawt

 

Are you paying attention? This material will be on the test.

Merry Christmas Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve!

 You know what I’ve noticed? Some people are weird. Have you ever noticed that? And some people say really strange things. Things like:

 

“I would never purposefully offend anyone!” (generally said while offending you)

 

Also, some people are really bad drivers. And some people shouldn’t own dogs. And if you see a person shaking their fist at their kid in the grocery store, should you say something?

 

While we’re on the subject, some people are really hot. Like My Beloved. And Dave Ramsey. Dave Ramsey is hot. Yes, he is! He is, too! Look at him with his crinkly-eyed smile and his little bald head. Look at him! How can you not think he is hot? I saw him on the telebishun and he was saying things like “I’m so proud of you for paying off your debt!” and “You’re almost to step number four; good job!” and I was all like I’LL PAY OFF MY DEBTS FOR YOU, DAVE!!

 

Some people are really NOT hot. Like that guy in Avatar. And Mickey Rourke. Although he used to be hot. What happened? I mean, seriously? WHAT HAPPENED??? I’m not kidding. Somebody tell me what happened. Here, let me demonstrate:

 

Then (awwwwww):

 

mickey

 

Now (AAAAAAA!!):

 

wrestler premiere 3 050109

 

Is he even IN there? Somewhere? Maybe a little bit around the left cheekbone?

 

As long as I’m here, let me help some people out. The proper spelling of the sound you make when you are done creating something fabulous is “voila!” Yes, I know it sounds like “wah-lah” but it is, in fact, French. It is in fact a Fancy French Word that means “look at me and the fabulous thing I have just created with my own two fancy french hands” or something along those lines.

 

Okay. So let’s recap: some people are weird, and some people say really strange things, and some people shouldn’t own dogs, and some people are really hot and some people are really not. Also the fist-shaking thing.

 

I would appreciate it if you could get back to me as quickly as possible in these matters.

 

Thus ends my Christmas Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve brain-dump. Voila!

Tis the Season To Be Random

My Christmas tree is dead. Dead. As a doornail. I’m pretty sure it was dead as soon as we set it up in our living room. Boom! Crispy. So, on the agenda this weekend:

  1. Remove 30,000 lights from dead tree.
  2. Remove 20,000 ornaments from dead tree.
  3. Remove dead tree from house.
  4. Install new tree.

 

It helps, when celebrating Christmas and emphasizing the ever-green, undying love of Christ, to have a tree that somewhat exemplifies the metaphor.

 

Plus, I need a pretty one since I’m planning on joining the Christmas Tour Of Homes with the Nester on Monday…but that’s secondary to my point.

 

A dead Christmas tree at the curb before Christmas ever arrives is a singularly odd sight. But there you go. It’s not actually the first time it has happened to us; one of the hazards of living in a city with very few live-tree options. Frustrating.

 

Around here, Christmas preparations are in full-swing. I have most of my shopping done. The post office was so kind as to deliver to me just a few catalogs full of gifty-type ideas so as to make my selections easier.

 

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Familiar with the term “too many choices”? Yeah. That’s what we’re dealing with here…

 

We’ve made Christmas cookies, but I have nothing to show for it. They’ve all been eaten already. I hear talk about people who bake “in advance” and “freeze” their “results” in something called a “freezer” so that they have some left to eat “closer” to “Christmas”…but I have no idea what any of that means.

 

Luckily, I have some photos to prove we did it.

 

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emma and connie…

 

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charity, jordan, toby, josiah…

 

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enough with the pictures! give me more m&ms!! is jordan about to pour sugar into her mouth? i’ll never tell…

 

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eating the chocolate sprinkles? who, me???

 

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gabriel: portrait of a sugar-induced stupor.

 

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side note: mint m&m’s might be a tad too big to use for eyeballs…

 

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bear on the right has a distinctly japanese-anime look about him…

 

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my contribution. due to proximity to the side of the cookie sheet, his arm became perfect for throwing a tiny snowball. he reminds me a little of patrick…

 

patrick

 

Other certain signs that Christmas draws near…

 

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underwear flung onto light fixtures

 

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Bulbous beasts rampaging through the house

 

Okay, so I’m not sure those have anything to do with Christmas, but that’s my life right now. Hope yours is full of Christmas cheer and just enough mayhem to keep things interesting!