So here’s my theory: The doors to Wal Mart are actually portals to another dimension, run by sadistic aliens. I say this because of what years of observation have shown me. The behavior of people changes so drastically once they are within those sliding doors that the only possible explanation is that the aliens operating this portal aren’t getting everything quite right; somehow the time signature of our own bodies is not the same as that of the Wal Mart continuum. There’s a temporal distortion field that causes us to be ever-so-slightly out of flux, which wreaks havoc upon our nervous systems. The aliens then conduct their fiendish experiments upon us, stifling their giggles behind their long pale fingers.
2. Disproportionate spending. Having saved the $0.02 on the toilet paper, you reward yourself by buying a flat screen television.
3. Finding random words hysterically funny. Did you ever consider the fact that the word “niblets” sounds like a cross between “nipples” and “giblets”
4. The inability to stop yourself from drawing funny faces in the condensation on the freezer doors as you stand there laughing at the frozen niblets.
5. Having an overwhelming desire to stomp your feet, cry, and wail that you want to go home. Obviously, the smaller you are, the less able you are to resist this particular phenomenon.
6. Impaired judgement. Just because the tripe is on sale for $1.03/pound does NOT mean you should buy it. No, you will not “find a recipe on the internet later” in which to use it. Trust me.
Not only are the aliens watching from afar, they have also placed Their Own strategically within the very framework of the store. For example, The Guy Who Stacks Bread And Bananas at my own Wal Mart stares at me and asks me how I’m doing every. single. time. I. see. him. He looks at me like he knows me. This is because…he does. Those kindly ladies who offer you free samples of the latest market offerings? You guessed it. Those little paper cups are LADEN with alien drugs. Why else would you buy 6 boxes of “chewy delicious trail mix with tiny bits* especially designed to get stuck in your teeth”? You don’t even hike!
You’re right, you’re right. I’m overreacting. I can’t possibly be right. Aliens cannot be running Wal Mart because they’re too busy running the government. Maybe Those In Charge in the Wal Mart realm are simply pumping nerve gas into the aisles. This would explain a lot. But I like the first theory better.